Longings

"Don't you want another dog?" asked the receptionist at the pool. People express sympathy when I tell them that Suki is gone, and then ask, "When are you getting another dog?" I usually answer this question blinking back tears. In the past two weeks the initial shock and mourning over Suki's death has become bearable, but the longing for another dog beside me and the help and companionship that I need so badly is difficult to deal with. I miss Suki constantly, and I know that only another dog to love will make that pain easier.


I run through the dates in my mind; counting the weeks and days left until the middle of October when I have been promised a place in the next training course. It is still a long 12 weeks away. I remember how anxiously I waited for an invitation to the course three years ago, not yet knowing the change in my life that would come with a guide dog, not yet aware of what a beautiful dog I would receive, not yet aware of the loving relationship that I would cultivate with her and of our close partnership. I now realize that if I was anxious for a guide dog then, I am desperate for another one now. As I told Rafi, I will be happy with either Dinka or Derby. I just want a dog beside me again, because I know that will be the only thing that will get my life back on track. It seems a long time to wait. Rafi mentioned the possibility of my spending time with my new dog before the course - maybe even taking her home for a weekend and returning her to the Center. I know that even a short time would give me a lot of happiness and help get me through the difficult time until the course begins. They understand my pain and loneliness, and my longing to bond with a new dog.

My longing for Suki still runs through me like an underground current. I walk through the orchard and still talk to her, telling her I miss her, imagining her running or resting under a tree, praising her in my mind as we walk down the sidewalk along the routes we walked together.

There is a shelf in the closet filled with everything I saved: brushes, the basket with a kong, rope toy, a rubber Frisbee (Suki never got the hang of picking it up off the ground), the new tug of war toy I bought in New York, water bowls, clickers, whistle, and dog shoes. They were all Suki's and I want them for my new dog. Her bed is here, too, and I imagine myself putting them out so that they will all be in place when I bring my new dog home.

I think of both Suki and my new dog, whom I now refer to as D., since a decision has not yet been made as to which dog of the two sisters in the D litter will be mine. I will be happy to receive either one of them and will love whichever one I get.